Guitly surprises.

"Most of us want to fall in love,

and we will. When we do fall in love, those who

care about us will be happy. Most of us do not want to be

a slave to behavior that hurts us."

"We are addicted to the feelings of new love,

of being swept away, of being adored, of being obessed."-Desire.

I'm reading aloud again. & Actually understanding

what I am reading. It's a good feeling to excurise my brain.

To adore the words that feed my brain with knowledge.
I have a lot of anger still creeping around inside.

I want to let it go. But the world keeps giving it back.

Like some kind of haunted gift you can't get rid of.

Pain of cramps. & The emotions of being happy then sad

always linger near by. I've become obessed & un focused

on what needs to be done. In my own little world.

Everything is furry & cute & nothing ever goes wrong.

Upset at the fact I keep getting ditch

& Trying to work around the awkwardness of

what's becoming not a "friendship" It still feels

I'm not near as important to you as you are to me.

Always, always, something comes up better than what I

had planned. I feel alone some days, I just want to...?

(I can't even find the word to discribe the hurt)

Working at my job is out of the questioned.

Saturday I made a bief stop to a dressed fitted

by one of my empyolee's. & The looks of,

"Why are you here." No one really spoke to me.

Or even to bother to ask how I've been. It's always,

"You look cute today, Ashlee."

Well one person did get under my skin. Made me just want to crawl

& just hide. & The words spoken, "Hey! Why are you here."

I didn't answer back. The shock of lack of care or you just kiss

ass. So why does it even matter to you that I'm here.

I'm pissed the more I think about how I've been treated.

I get more pissed at the fact 5 hours isn't enough for anything.

I get even more pissed that the fact people complain that they

have way too many hours.

I get even more, outstandingly pissed when I see

people stare me down & I know what their thinking.

Only one manager waved to me & said hi.

I'm broke!

& I'm tired of being depressed behind close doors.

xxx

This has to stop!

Well, I finally realize where I stand with everybody in their life.

That's nowhere, no cares, no worries.

I just want to ecaspe somewhere. I rather die right now.

I feel no love towards me at all.

& Yes, I'm sounding a bit selfish & weak.

But my day is turning into shit.

& For the record. People rather for other

people to tag along with them. Yeah...

I'm nothing, I'm nothing.

Yesturday, I felt on top of the world.

Today, I feel I've been put to rest. 6 feet under.

I FUCKING HATE IT THERE!!!!

Please God, give me something. Strength??!?

I'am so angry!

xxx

It's personal

At first I was on top of the world.

Now I'm reduce to some made, cleaning & taking

order's. I can't believe this is actually happening to me.

I don't understand what I've done wrong.

It's not like I'm lazy, unpucdtive.

I'm being replace for some chipper, always happy person.

I think I would be that chippy, & smily, & "OH MY GOODNESS"

kind of girl. But this job has broken down my spirits soo much.

I don't really feel happiness at my job.

I don't feel wanted, needed, accepted at my job.

If there was a coffee list. I would be the person running &

getting the coffee for the more important people.

I can see it, their sitting in huge leather chairs by Chanel

Wrapped in expensive dimanods. & Their one of a kind.

& I would be the little slave girl with nappy pig tales,

& stains & holey shoes. Short, & dirty. Serving them their

8 bucks Starbucks coffee with fancy holder's.

I bitch & complain about the misery I suffer at this job.

I wonder if I could seriously live off of 6hours.

Not counting that I have no money to spear for extra's.

Such as the important of gas, food, & even a smile.

Affording thiftstore clothes has overpriced me.

Poor, what does that mean?

Speak, I...

There is way too many "I's" in this entry.

I'm fading quicky to the dark side.

I'm no longer a worker there. I'm their made.

& I'm just upset that no one, no one even took a chance

to stand up for me. Putting those hours next to my name

showed me for once & all.

I was forgotten.. on purpose!

xxx

In all...

Just go, & never come back.

I can see that it makes you happy.

I'm embarressed at the simple fact I thought you cared.

Giving hope that you were interested in my hopes & dreams,

I gave you my information thinking you were taking it seriously.

But when you drop the piece of paper in the trash

& made eye contact with me & notice what you had done.

You secretly pick it up & pretended it was a mistake.

Knowing when I gave it to you, your hands said other wise.

This week I can already tell is going to be interesting.

I'm already losing interested in certain people.

& A lot of hopes for other's.

Today, when I was sitting in my car waiting for the

heat to overcome my shakey cold body.

For 5 minutes, I watch the sun rise. It was the most

beautiful thing I've ever seen. I've been taking too

much for granted. I don't want to sleep anymore.

Life, it offer's too much. You can sleep when your dead.

Please, just go..

xxx

No title needed

His voice..

Hungry for the reality of life.

Speaking tongue, arguging with anyone worth fighting for.

It's magic to me how you where sitting there.

Your eyes, lingering through my body.

Are you regreting not giving it a try.

Is it all hitting you now, the person that adored you

for soo long has now moved on?

It means a lot to me when someone ask how my day was.

It was only a scary move not to meantion anything beyond that day

I'm stuck with memories that repeating in my head.

Of no hope & laugher of what could of been.

Too bad it's too late!Oh how I adore karma.

It's time to suffer..a little

I'm losing the battle.

That I've already won.

Through speaking & thinking too much.

Hollow smells. Drinking over the limit of speaking.

If other's needed to escape.

Wristcutter's, it's definitely for you.

Love is everywhere.

Don't look too hard, or it won't happen

& Damnit, that's the fucking truth!

xxx

It's all in questioned

It's hard to watch those tears

roll down her in face. The fear of the unknow are catching

up with her. & I sit back in panic wondering to myself

the same thing. When's her happiness suppose to arrive?

That's all my brain is known for is break lights,

stoping, breaking, going, parking, unlocking, locking

dailing, searching, wondering, crying, helpless, speechless,

cold, hungry, empty, emotional, sorry, care free,

worthless, worried, paniced, disclosed, ugly.

I look at them & just see their sadness.

& What good people are missing out on.

I wonder, how "gorgeous" people are always single?

Or let me put it this way, why are natural talented

beautiful people always single?

I wish they knew. I wish they knew.

But then again, I was in their shoes once & I know the

empty umportant feeling.

Love, without it, we would die

xxx

Please sir, take her.

Everything is collecting dust.

This week is coming to a deathy start.

& For goodness sake, it's only Sunday.

Yesturday for the first time in almost two years,

I actually felt like a ghost at my own job.

Too many new faces appearing.

I felt uncomfortable & left out.

Where did everyone disappear to?

Well, I can't really state I felt like a ghost.

I forgot, I feel like that everytime I work.

Or wait, maybe if I actually stayed for my entire shift

I could serisouly have the complete feel of being

unwanted. It's always, this & that & do you know how.

I feel I have to be the strong one here.

& Yet, I still feel emotion.

I can't, I really can't be weak at the time they need me the most.

I just wish I could show what I'M feeling..

xxx

It's just a number.

I'm getting closer to the oppsite side.

Friends is easily became bestfriends

almost a sister figure.

I linger to call, but I'm sure you wouldn't be up for it.

I'm disappointed in the fact of how things been done.

People getting hurt for no reason at all.

Or for the fact their socialy awkward around other's.

Being themselves isn't an option.

Which to me, it's pure hate towards someone different.

Carrying ourselves a certain way

makes judgment easier for other's among us.

I think age shouldn't be a problem.

It's all about experincing something different

or just a different age group.

xxx

Drawing in by memories

It's too late to go back

People crowed in the streets

barking with pleed to be let go.

Center attention among those who are different.

Dangling memories of what use to be.

Dark, snuck in faces, bone structures, detailed.

It could happen one day.

Look closer.

I don't understand the beauty of the world.

Or even the simplest things.

If only I could just sit & understand what he means.

Look closer?...

xxx